Cot death
My little babushka will be sleeping in her own room tonight.
Ok, so she’s not actually very little and she’s not actually a baby anymore – she’s in fact a sprightly 16 month old who runs around the house using endless vocabulary and insisting on doing everything herself.
So, yes, it’s about time she had her own room.
I’ve been holding back on getting her room decorated and making the transition. For starters, I am going to miss her. The sound of her breath, her shuffling in the night and her waking up just to check that I’m there. I’ll miss glancing across to see her, arse in air, snoring, with her hair draped across her face. Her cot is on casters, and no matter how hard I’ve tried to leave it over the far side of the room, she inevitably ends up with her bed butted up to my side and my hand through the bars, stroking her back.
So, yes, I will miss having her by my side. But that’s not the main reason I have worried about BB going into her own room.
Mostly, I have a paranoid, irrational and unreasonable fear of cot death.
My little brother died, at 2.5 months old, of cot death. I was seven. I remember my mother’s scream. It still rings in my ears and sends tears to my eyes. I remember my parents frantically carrying his limp body out to the car to head to the hospital. I remember hiding behind my dad’s armchair, crying and shaking whilst my poor 12 year old brother tried to console us all until my parents came back. I remember the dead look in my mother’s eyes when she came back from the hospital that day and I see the piece of her heart that’s still missing to this very day.
That’s the reason I used to cry every night when she was newborn and I had to go to sleep to survive, because I was worried she’d stop breathing when I wasn’t watching. It’s the reason that for the first month of her life I sat by her side every time she slept. It’s the reason I check on her every 10 minutes of every evening. It’s the reason I check her breathing 2 minutes after having checked her breathing, just to be sure. It’s the reason she has stayed in our bedroom for so long.
And, it’s the reason I will not be sleeping a wink tonight.
The Ramblings of a First Time Mum 
Hi
My brother died of cot death at 8 days old when I was just turning 2 and my older sister was about 10. Due to this, I was extra vigilant when living in the same house as my niece who is now 3yo and used to check her breathing anytime I was near the bedroom.
With my own daughter, when in bed I am always listening for her breathing and will put my hand on her back to feel it if I can’t see it.
A knock on effect of this is that i now have an irrational fear of death that I can’t explain and don’t remember where it came from but it is so bad it leads to panic attacks etc. You aren’t alone.
The thought of Shy leaving my room hasn’t occured to me as I am in a 1bed flat atm but I’m sure when the time comes I would probably feel the same!
You’re strong. I hope you manage some sleep xx
Thank you for sharing your story. I know there must probably, tragically, be quite a few of us out there who are carrying the same fears because of having first hand experiences of cot death.
I think you’re incredibly strong for dealing with it alone. I know for me my husband has had to pull me back from the brink a few times and I have definitely pushed myself to exhaustion by being constantly awake and by her side, worrying, fretting, feeling her chest or back at 1 minute intervals just to be sure.
If ever it’s getting to you and you need someone to talk to, I’m always here xxx
Thank you. I haven’t really shared my story but maybe I will one day. Thanks for the offer as well. Nice to know there is at least one person who has been through it xx
It’s no wonder you’ve had her by your side at night, I doubt there are many parents who would have done different.
I don’t even know what to say, but you’re certainly not alone in your cautious ways, after Ethan’s hospitalisation, I was the same, checking all the time and sleeping next to him just to make sure he was still breathing, eventually we both came to the agreement he would keep breathing if I stopped prodding him awake, win win!
Even now I still have the odd panic, but I’m not sure I’ll ever stop I’ll be the annoying mum calling up when he’s at Uni to check he’s breathing!
Have you got a monitor, they are good for reassuring yourself she’s still snoring, and if 2 way, you can tell her to get back in bed and go to sleep!
I know tonight will most likely suck, but it does get easier, eventually.
Although I doubt with a spanky new bedroom to explore she’s going to want to sleep, you may have made it too nice!
It’s really nice to hear that I’m not completely crazy. I think sometimes it’s been hardest on my husband who doesn’t share my paranoia but indulges me because he knows how hard thus is for me. He found the many nights sitting in the room with her, watching a movie on the iPad, just so I could get an hour of alone time, difficult to contend with – but he did it, for me.
I’m not going to lie – I lay in bed and I cried myself to sleep. But I did sleep and she was fine so hopefully we’re over the worst.
Thank you so much for your comment xxx